


chronicle of the wandering souls

by thewindraiser



Series: Tumblr Prompts [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 08:19:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5736454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewindraiser/pseuds/thewindraiser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: "I thought you were dead"</p>
<p>This is the only thing that consoles me, the knowledge that i’ll see you again. Soon, hopefully – but never soon enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	chronicle of the wandering souls

In the hands of gods you’ve lost your way

 

_“No! No. Suga. SUGA. Suga please, don’t do this to me.”_

The way of your world is easy: everything is born, lives, and then dies. Time passes and it doesn’t care whether you are ready or not to let a moment go. You watch the sun rise and set over and over and suddenly you are taller than your parents, you think you understand, know more than you really do. You leave what you’d always called home to find it somewhere else.

_“Open your eyes, my love. Please just-“_

You fall in love and you only notice days go by from the way the light catches _his_ hair. At midday it’s a golden halo around his head. Under the last light of sundown it burns red and fiery like licks of flame. But it’s moonlight that suits him the most, don’t you think? Pure white, ethereal, and in front of that sight you try not to even blink.

_“I love you. You hear me? I love you.”_

You don’t seem to care that you shouldn’t be looking at him in the first place.

Have I gotten anything wrong so far? I don’t think I have, your race is a simple one to understand Sawamura Daichi-kun, and I’ve been paying attention, to you in particular.

_“Don’t go without me, Suga.”_

You see, i’m trying to decide whether you are just a fool too stupid to understand the signs or a purposefully careless fool. I’m leaning toward the first option, looking at the way you are despairing now, sheding useless tears on his body – his tainted, shameful body – i can’t think you would ever subject yourself to this kind of pain. But I warned you, didn’t I?

_“Take me instead. Take me, please but don’t let him die- he can’t-“_

The world keeps spinning even when you are standing still, Daichi.

Life goes on and soon all that’ll be left of you will be a line between two dates and food for the worms. It wasn’t like this for him. Death isn’t something that can touch us, it wasn’t something that could touch him. Before he chose you, that is.

_“This can’t be happening…Suga please, Suga-“_

So live the time you have left, live and then die. But don’t think it’ll ever be that easy again.

Do you think you can endure what we have planned for you?

*

The last stars of the night are fading when Daichi is finally done with the day’s cargo. He arranges the last boxes on the cart , climbs on and slaps the mule on the rear to get moving.

The travel to the village is brief but it’s better done when few people are around. After over 30 years everyone still remembers what had happened that day, they still talk to ensure it’s never forgotten. The judgemental stares, the whispers, the loud curses yelled his way were some of the reasons Daichi moved away to the solitude of the mountain, even tho that meant living in a house too big for him. His hands clench into fists and a heavy weight settles in his chest.

He’d built that house for them, young fool in love that he was. He’d honestly thought everything would be alright in the end. He’d believed in that happy ending with every fiber of his being, until that hope was ripped away from his chest and crushed to nothing, like his heart. He’d known nothing of the cruelty of the world, the wrath of the gods simply material for songs to him.

He’d known nothing, here’s the truth. Nothing but the taste of Suga’s lips, the position of his moles, nothing but his warmth. He knows now, he knows and that knowledge haunts him, like the ghost of Suga’s smile against his mouth the last time they’d kissed. The sky turning dark in the middle of day, the blood. The weight of Suga’s body in his arms, unresponsive, still.

He sees it all when he closes his eyes.

He looks up to the sky and begs for the tears not to fall. It used to be much more beautiful before, the sky, seen reflected in Suga’s eyes. Suga had made everything more beautiful, at least for a while. The short while they were allowed to have.

He knows Suga would have wanted him to move on, maybe meet someone else, but Daichi could never stomach even the simple thought. There’s no replacing Suga, nobody could fill the void. And nobody deserves to live in the shadow of someone they could never compete with.

Suga was it for Daichi, no matter what happens that’s never going to change.

Daichi spurs Asahi to go faster and the mule complies in his agreeable nature. The steady rhythm of his hooves on the road soothes Daichi. Quiet surrounds them and it becomes deafening the further down they get to the mountain, green grass and centenary trees giving way to barren soil and rocky paths. Daichi is feeling the fatigue of a night at work now and his eyes are getting heavy. He tells himself he can’t afford to sleep just now, or at least he tries to, but it’s a losing fight. The sound of an alarmed bray reaches him only when it’s too late.

A tease of silver illuminates the path. Daichi sits up straight and his throat closes up at the sight in front of him. Many times in the last 30 years he’d thought he’d seen him, many more he’d prayed. This time tho, this time he is sure. Dreams were never capable of capturing _his_ beauty.

“Suga…” His voice shakes like the leaves in autumn.

Suga turns around and smiles at him, so bright he puts the sun to shame. He jumps down the axed oak, his usual perch, and runs to him. He is warm in Daichi’s arms and his laughter fills the air around them, the most beautiful sound.

Daichi doesn’t think his heart has ever beaten this fast. He trails his hands up and down Suga’s arms, his trembling back, his moonlight hair. He takes a step back but doesn’t let go, could never let go, and cups Suga’s face, loses himself in those eyes again.

Older than Daichi remembers, shadows he doesn’t recognize  are swirling in the copper and gold of his irises. They are full of tears too, and Suga lets them fall unabashedly, makes no move to hide or dry them but wears them proudly. Daichi has never loved him more.

“You are crying,” Suga says. Daichi hadn’t even noticed. He jerks his chin in Suga’s direction.

“So are you,” and catches a drop with his fingertips. Suga leans into the touch, rubs his cheek on Daichi’s palm, tender.

“I thought you were dead,” Daichi whispers and a sob makes its way to his lips. He’d missed him, every day of his life he’d missed him.

Suga’s eyes become sad. “I was. Well, I died in any case.” He tries another smile. “Dying doesn’t always mean being gone.”

 

And all i can do is watch and cry

 

His hands are covered in blood. Daichi kneels on the river bank and tries to wash it away, scrubs so hard it hurts, but the blood is still there. Sticky and warm and red. It seeps deep into his skin like ink. A mark.

The leaves are shaking, the wind, merciless in its cavalcade, soundtrack to Daichi’s grief.

He looks at the poor creature lying near him and his eyes fill with tears once more. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” He means it.

He shuffles close to the deer, hands and arms dripping wet – with blood, with water – and cradles its face in his palms. He’s beautiful, Daichi thinks. An albine deer, rare and beautiful. Precious. His chest heaves with sobs that come from the deep, and he can’t give this desperation a reason. It fills him to the brim - the sadness, the shame - his heart is heavy with it, beating hard in his ribcage, wild as the horses.

The deer shakes his head and the timid sunlight catches on his fur. Silver and ashes. The brightest thing Daichi has ever seen, slipping through his fingers.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. He’ll never stop, as long as there’s still breath in his lungs. It’s all his fault.

His eyes meet the animal’s pained ones and his lips curl around a name, familiar and unheard. Another sob claws at his throat. He knows those eyes, he knows that name.

_Suga?…Suga…_

His heart slows its race, too heavy to keep on running, and Daichi bowls over under the weight of this hurt. This pain too, is familiar.

_Not again. Not this again._

The deer licks his hand, a gesture of comfort, and isn’t it just like _him_ to think of others even as he is dying. Daichi had always called him out on it, told him he needed to act more selfish, but he’d always loved him for it too. That golden heart.

He presses a kiss on Suga’s nose, lingers. “I’m sorry.”

His hand curls around the arrow – his arrow – and he pulls it out. Suga shudders and blood spills everywhere.

 

And still i feel i said too much

 

The futon shifting under him wakes Daichi.

He opens his eyes grudgingly and squints at the irritating light of the lanterns. The sun can’t be up yet and Daichi mourns for the seconds of sleep he is already losing. Rustling of silks catches his attention and he sits up, back propped on the cushions, to enjoy the sight before him.

Suga is still naked, facing away, and he seems to be looking for his clothes. Daichi follows the curve of his spine with his eyes, the adorable dimples at the base of his back. He already feels his irritation melt away as he tries to find the birthmark he knows is on Suga’s left cheek.

Suga is now moving frantically all over the room, muttering curses under his breath. His hair is a mess and his lips are pinched in that familiar pout Daichi has become so fond of. He’s only found his underwear and hadajuban so far. Daichi calls his name and smirks when he sees Suga freeze.

Suga turns around so fast he almost trips on his own feet and covers himself with the tunic. “Daichi-sama i apologize. I was just about to leave…”

Daichi waves off these words with no little annoyance. When he is with Suga he tends to forget about their respective status, pushes aside his duties, and Suga plays along too for his sake…until daylight comes, that is.

It used to be a lot easier, getting his pleasure and then send his company away along with the memory of them, before Suga came along.

Daichi’s gaze rises to that pretty face, flushed pink, impossibly lovely, and wonders when he became the kind of man who allows himself to be moved by simple beauty.

“Have you tried looking under the futon?” He asks and Suga smiles at him gratefully. Daichi pretends to admire the patterns of the tatami to hide his pathetic, juvenile blush.

Suga finds the rest of his clothes exactly where Daichi had suggested – no wonder the futon felt lumpy – and starts getting dressed. Daichi knows he should leave him be, let him go before the house awakens but now that he is so close Daichi can see the uneven sprinkle of moles on his creamy shoulders and he can’t quite resist. He gets on his knees, puts an arm around Suga’s waist and presses a kiss at the centre of his back. He feels Suga’s breath hitch under his palm and does it once more. And then again.

“You have a meeting with the generals in the morning, Daichi-sama.”

Daichi pulls Suga closer and forces him to fall on the futon with a muffled squeak. He traces the curve of Suga’s neck with his lips, set on committing the way Suga’s skin tastes to memory to survive another tedious day. He reaches the sensitive spot behind Suga’s ear and sucks gently. Suga hums low in his throat, strokes Daichi’s hair tenderly in encouragement, and Daichi is lost. Completely lost in him.

He would gladly cancel every commitment, he’d resign his title, forsake his clan if he could just spend all his remaining days with Suga. Learn the way Suga prefers his tea, how he looks in the morning light of a lazy day after a night of pleasure, in no hurry to get back to his chambers.

Daichi wants, so much, and as these thoughts cross his mind he knows he has to end this.

He loosens his grip around Suga’s – soft, warm, welcoming – body and hides his face in his shoulder. His eyes fall shut and he tries so hard not be swayed by the lovely way Suga’s skin smells.

He has to end this.

He must.

Suga keeps carding his fingers through Daichi’s hair but now it seems more a gesture of comfort. Suga has always had the ability to understand Daichi’s moods with just one look but this time Daichi can’t just rely on his perceptiveness. Suga deserves better than his silence.

“Suga…” He moves away, with difficulty, and tries to find the words to say. He looks Suga in the eyes and is shocked to see the sadness in them.

“I meant to tell you tonight, but it seems i cannot wait.” Suga interrupts him and a sense of dread takes over in Daichi’s chest. Suga sits up and puts on his tunic in one swift move. He is shaking. “There’s a ship directed to Shanghai at port. It sails the day after tomorrow.”

_No._

“No.”

“I’ve already spoken to the captain, he accepted to take me in despite the short notice when i mentioned i have medical experience.”

Daichi’s nails are digging hard in his palms and he is not surprised when he sees blood spill on the sheets. Silence falls around them, and Daichi can’t fill it with the pleads running through his head. _Please stay, we can make it work, please just stay._ Even he is not selfish enough to voice them.

They can’t make it work, Daichi can’t give Suga what he deserves, he’ll never be able to in his position. He wants to cry, but he can’t even do that much.

Suga takes Daichi’s hands in his and silently bandages his palm with a handkerchief. It’s carefully embroidered, long-tailed bushtit birds and sakura blossoms. It’s lovely work, Daichi remembers Suga telling him his grandmother had made it for him before he left for the city. It’s too precious to be stained with his blood.

He looks up and meets Suga’s eyes, takes his time to admire them one last time. Gold and copper, warmth.

“It’s better this way,” Suga says, and his voice shakes. Daichi knows he is right. He wants to apologize, wants to say he is sorry for starting something he’d known could have no future. Sorry for not breaking this off sooner. Sorry for letting Suga go.

The last one is the only thing he is actually sorry for.

Before he can open his mouth Suga says, “I know, i’m sorry too.”

Daichi treads his fingers through Suga’s. “Maybe we’ll see each other again.”

“Yes, maybe we will.”

He feels tears prick at his eyes. “Do you really think we will?”

“Maybe not now, maybe not in this life, but yes i like to think so.” Suga smiles and it’s brighter with hope. For the first time, Daichi realizes he loves him. He decides to keep it to himself, even as the words burn his tongue at being left unsaid.

“You know i don’t believe in this kind of thing,” he says instead.

“It’s alright, i believe enough for the both of us.”

And with one last kiss that tastes of sorrow, Suga leaves.

 

What little that i have to give

 

_Daichi is running._

_Darkness closes in around him, suffocating him. On every side it’s pitch black. The path is undistinguishable or maybe there was never a path to begin with._

_Maybe he is just running away, maybe he is running toward._

_He doesn’t know but not for a second does he consider stopping. He can’t do that, it’s not an option._

Run, don’t stop, never stop, not until _-_

_A distant light appears. It flickers like a flame, then it sets. Daichi squints at it, it’s not so bright but it blinds him all the same. He starts chasing it, rushed steps thundering in overbearing silence._

_He’s almost there, almost there._

_He reaches out, his fingers itch to touch. He cradles it in his clumsy palms_ -

Daichi wakes up covered in sweat and breathing hard. A warm hand – too warm, too small, too soft – pushes his hair away from his forehead. Daichi wants to slap it away.

“Another bad dream, dear?”

Guilt settles heavy in his stomach at the worry in his wife’s voice and he nods, wears a more relaxed expression for her sake. He moves away from her touch and gets up, sways a little but covers it well by leaning on the wall.

“Well, it’s over now,” she adds and it’s meant to be reassuring. It only ends up sounding like an empty lie.

Daichi has no idea what these dreams entail, he doesn’t know why sleeping draughts don’t work against them but he’s had them for as long as he can remember, he knows that it’ll never be over. Of this much at least he’s sure.

 

On the night the light fades out, burns Daichi’s palms and then disappears, Daichi wakes up screaming. A fever takes possession of his body and the stress he is under gives his wife a good excuse for all the tears he cries.

He never tries to explain that the pain he feels is another thing draughts and physicians cannot cure.

 

The trip to the Oakshire mansion is long and tiresome.

Daichi feels restless, his leg bouncing uncontrollably. He keeps asking the coachman how long till they arrive and soon he can hear annoyance in the man’s brisk answers. His wife keeps glancing at him and she looks about to speak several times but in the end she must think better of it. Daichi is selfishly grateful.

He hasn’t been a good husband lately, he hasn’t been a good anything lately, not since the fever. A strange feeling has settled in his chest, and like many things in his life he can’t quite explain it.

One of his companions lost a leg years ago, following a tragic accident. Sometimes he used to talk to Daichi about how he could feel his leg as if it’s still there, still part of his body, part of him. This time, now, Daichi thinks he understands. Only he doesn’t know what it is he is missing.

He was raised to be a hard-working man, true and with his feet on the ground. Responsible and steady, that’s his nature, that’s how his acquaintances describe him. He always kept to himself the desire to fly. The pull he felt toward that unknown something, that something which has him staring at the moon for hours some nights, looking for answers he’ll probably never find. Not being able to eat deer meat, his visceral disdain for hunting. The racing of his heart whenever he catches sight of messy, silver hair.

He keeps these things carefully hidden. Like the real reason behind his decision to visit the mansion.

He and his wife, they don’t need a bigger house, especially not one as high-maintenance as this estate. But when he heard this name – Oakshire – he knew he had to come. One more thing he can’t explain.

 

The mansion is beautiful, well-kept and cared for. The heavy doors and window frames in dark wood contrast beautifully with the pale stone of the walls, the large paved patio that gives to the gardens is a perfect place to read or meet guests. Charming and quiet.

The majordomo welcomes them warmly and is exhaustive in his description of the house. He goes on for over an hour simply about its history and Daichi is glad at least his wife is polite and attentive enough to ‘oooh’ and ‘aaah’ in all the right places, because he cannot seem to catch his wits today, distracted as he is by the nervous buzzing he feels under his skin.

They go through each room, the spaces  warm and blessed with natural light, but Daichi can sense a sadness in the air surrounding this place, in the way its previous owner left.

It’s on their way to the master’s chambers that Daichi sees it, one of the few paintings still in the house. In a very rude gesture, Daichi is well aware, he walks away from his company to look at it more closely.

He stops in front of it and his heart misses a beat. It’s the portrait of a young man. Moonlight hair, dark eyes that even through the canvas seem to twinkle with mirth. A pretty face, made beautiful by the kindness it seems to emanate.

Daichi’s throat feels tight, a vicious hold around his neck. He doesn’t notice the butler approaching until he hears him speak.

“That’s the lord’s son.”

Daichi can’t look away from that smile but he makes an effort to listen.

“He died six months ago, a fever took him. It destroyed his father, this is why he left in such a hurry, he couldn’t bear the memories.”

The man sounds choked up, the words come out weak and chopped, as if painful to say. Daichi wants to shut him up, wants him to leave but he must hear this. He can’t keep living in this limbo of ignorance and half-truths. “Go on,” he whispers.

The man looks alarmed by the request but when he meets Daichi’s eyes, faded and dark, he swallows hard and nods.

“He tried to fight the sickness weakening his body, he really did, my lord, but in the end if the gods decide your time is up there’s not a thing to be done.”

Daichi steps closer to the canvas.

“He spent his last days with his cheek pressed on the windowpane, i tried to get him to stay in bed  but he wouldn’t. He kept saying…he kept saying he was waiting for someone but he never gave a name.”

Daichi reaches out and traces the strokes that compose _his_ face, follows the red drops that outline _his_ lips. He feels the warmth of tears falling down his face.

“My lord, did you know him?”

_Yes_ , he wants to say, _he’s the man i’ve failed once again._

 

And i swear you moved overseas

 

My dearest, Daichi

Yesterday i dreamt of you. Again. We were standing on my front door and you were telling me all about how you’d acquired a last minute ticket to sail on ‘’The Unsinkable Ship’’. You looked happy and beautiful and you were smiling as you talked, but this time i pled you not to go. I begged and cried and clung on the fabric of your vest. In my dream you got mad at me, you were furious but you stayed, because i’d asked you to. I woke up in a frenzy and the room was cold, and so was i.

I walked to your apartment in the middle of the night, can you believe it?

The sky was pitch black and all the stars were hidden by the dreadful clouds of smoke these bloody factories emit. If there is one thing i miss about years past is exactly that, the sky. But this is hardly the point now, is it.

I arrived at your apartment, here’s the point, and i got in with the key you gave me. I felt even colder. It seeped through my bones. There is nothing left of you there. Alright, there is still your bed, some of the plants you left for me to take care of, but there’s no trace of your warmth.

I’m not sure what i was doing there, Daichi, i suppose i needed a reminder. Sometimes the void between my ribs is fooled into filling me with hope again by the stupidest things, like dreams, or your lingering smell on a shirt. I don’t know why i’m that surprised, i’ve always been just a fool in love.

Every time i hope this life will be the one. The one we meet halfway, the one where you love me too, and the world is kind enough to let us love each other in daylight.

Fool in love, i know i’ll keep hoping. Maybe next time we’ll be birds trying to reach higher than the skies, that would be nice don’t you think? Or maybe we’ll be merchants always off to faraway lands. Maybe next time you’ll remember me. For your sake, my love, i hope you don’t.

Our story is a burden to bear and i know your shoulders are strong but i don’t want it to weigh you down. Remembering is my punishment, not yours. It’s not all bad tho, i promise! The kisses we’ve shared, i remember those too, and the ridiculous names you’ve given to each of my moles. I remember all the reasons i first fell in love with you, why i chose you, and every time i meet you again i’m reminded of them all and find many more. Someday, when the time is right – someday it will be – i’ll list them all and rejoice in the way you’ll blush. You know me, Daichi, and you know how much i enjoy seeing you flustered, especially when i’m the cause.

Mrs. Cummings is up, i can hear the sound of her steps, the creaking of the stairs. We’ve been keeping each other company since the news arrived. Her nephew was on the ship too, he is still on the dispersed list. I buy the newspaper when i can and we read it together, i don’t want her to be alone when – if – what she dreads comes true.

You’re on that list too and i know Mrs. Cummings looks for your name as well, she was always quite fond of you. I don’t look for it. I don’t need to see it written in ink. I felt it happen, you leaving this world, leaving me, again. I always feel it.

This is part of my punishment too, knowing when it happens and not a minute sooner, not be able to do a bloody thing about it. If i had known i would have tried to stop you, you know i would have. Like in my dream. I would have taken more time to memorize the lines and planes of your face, the curve of your lips. I would have held you tighter. Hell, i would have gone with you.

This hurts most of all, that i wasn’t with you. I hate the thought that you might have been alone in those moments. Please tell me you weren’t.

Look at me, Daichi, i’m a mess of conditionals and hypotheticals, a mess of regrets. Everything the solid, hard-working man you are hates. Bear with me please, at this point there’s nothing else i can do. Besides it’s your bloody fault in the first place. Sailing on a ship called ‘’Unsinkable’’ that’s like sticking your head in a lion’s mouth and think he won’t chew you because his name is Vegetarian.

You absolute cretin, i can’t believe i ever fell in love with you. I can’t believe i’m sheding tears for you. And yet here i am, writing a letter only the fire will receive and getting all the ink smudged. Next time i see you i swear the first thing i’ll do is punch you in the face. Wait, no, not the face, i like it too much but in the shoulder for sure, maybe your gut. Next time.

I’m trying to lighten up the mood a little but honestly this is the only thing that consoles me, the knowledge that i’ll see you again. Soon, hopefully – but never soon enough. After all, death is a promise but so is my love for you.

Ever yours,

Suga

 

And know it wasn’t always wrong

 

The sky turns dark early now that it’s winter. When he was a child Daichi hated it. It meant saying his friends goodbye for the day, his bedtime still hours away, and staying in that house, having to listen to father complain about everything and nothing. Mostly complain about him.

Now the night is the best part of his day. You make it till the sun has set and you know you’ll live to see it rise once again. You lasted another day. You’re alive.

Daichi is alive.

He makes his way to the far end of camp, quieter and far less crowded, a pack of cigarettes in the back pocket of his pants. He doesn’t feel like socializing tonight, he greets a couple of guys but doesn’t linger, waving off their calls to stay and have a smoke with them.

He keeps walking, until he is close to the perimeter and the number of tents has thinned down and he goes to sit on his usual patch of grass near the medical tents. He notices a familiar figure standing still in the dark, only his face illuminated by the moon shyly peeking through a lonely cloud. Their eyes meet and Daichi feels the usual shiver run down his spine. It’s not unpleasant, it never is.

He hesitates for a moment or two, his feet shuffling awkwardly, then he approaches ‘’call me Suga’’. Daichi doesn’t remember the guy’s real name but he’s pretty sure it has nothing to do with Suga. Well, he’s met people with far weirder nicknames before. At least this one suits the guy.

Suga sits down and Daichi follows. Their shoulders brush together but it’s a chilly night. One good reason not to move away, so Daichi doesn’t.

Silence stretches around them but once again it’s not uncomfortable. Daichi is always sure it will be. Thing is, ever since Daichi first met him, he’s had this weird feeling about ‘’Suga’’. He was assigned to Daichi’s division weeks ago, after his own was left with too few men, and the first thing he’d done after introducing himself was punch Daichi on the shoulder. Hard. Suga had treated it like an in-joke and the other guys had laughed and greeted him that way too but Daichi is still not sure what that was about. With Suga, he always feels like there is something more, something he is not getting.

Suga looks at him sometimes, when he knows Daichi is not looking, and Daichi senses it anyway, those dark, eerily intense eyes on him, on his skin. Suga works with him on the field and it’s as if they’ve been together for years, their movements perfectly in sync like their minds. He always has Daichi’s back. Daichi has done military training with some of these guys and he knows he wouldn’t trust them this much to cover him. It’s weird, and what’s weirder is that he and Suga never really talk. Daichi is not sure he knows how to when he’s with him.

Now, tho, staying quiet with Suga feels nice.

He reaches back for a cigarette and wordlessly offers one to his companion.

“I don’t really smoke,” Suga says. His voice is light and breathy, and the slight drawl his accent gives to the vowels makes him sound as if he is always about to hum a song. It suits him, and just like everything else about him, it feels completely out of place here.

“Do you mind if i do?” Daichi asks and is pleased when Suga shakes his head.

He lights his cig up and takes a long drag. He tastes tar on his tongue and exhales. A cloud of smoke makes its way to the sky.

He knows Suga is looking at him. He takes another drag, purses his lips and blows rings of smoke. He manages to make 3.

Suga laughs low in his throat. “Show-off,” he sing-songs and it’s affectionate, too affectionate for who they are to each other. Daichi likes it.

He ends up doing smoke rings after every drag and Suga pokes them all with a finger as if they were bubbles. At least to himself Daichi can admit that it’s charming, the gesture for sure, but the smile on Suga’s face as well. The look in his eyes. The dimples. His moonlight hair. Charming and beautiful.

This thought frightens him and so does the trembling of his fingers. He pulls out the picture Satsuki gave him before he left and looks at it, to reminds himself where he stands, who he is. Who he’s supposed to be.

Suga shifts a little and sits straight. He’d been carelessly leaning on Daichi until a moment before, now the cold seeps through between them. He asks quietly “That your girl?”.

Daichi nods and the inside of his mouth feels suddely dry.

“She is very pretty,” Suga adds, but his eyes are on the sky.

The silence that follows is not as comfortable as before and Daichi curses himself a thousand times for ruining this – whatever _this_ is. He doesn’t even know why he cares. He looks up to the sky too and puts the picture back in his pocket. It’s all wrinkled now but Daichi cannot care.

It’s impossible to find a sky like that in the city now. The stars are all visible and they are thousands in the endless blue. Daichi turns his face a little and sees them all reflected in Suga’s eyes, a million times more beautiful. Heat spreads low in his stomach and rises to his neck, his cheeks, his ears and he’s glad it’s so dark around them. Deep in his heart he has the irrational feeling he’s done this before.

When Suga catches his stare and holds it, upfront and honest, waiting, Daichi finally asks what he’s been wondering for what seems like a lifetime. “Who are you?”

Suga smiles, soft and slow, not quite happy but serene as if this too he’d predicted, “I think you already know.”

But Daichi doesn’t, does he?

-

Noise everywhere. It’s chaos around him and Daichi wishes his comrades would all just shut up. Another round of bullets flies through the air and Daichi hears pained moans behind him, bodies hitting the ground. His stomach churns.

He tightens his grip around the rifle and slithers across the mud. He looks behind him for a second and Suga’s eyes meet his. He looks unharmed, scared but focused, and Daichi sighs with relief. What is left of Daichi’s squad makes their way through the trees to find some respite and protection.

A granade goes off near him and suddenly it’s quiet. He can’t hear a fucking thing and it unsettles him. At this point he preferred the noise, at least then he knew.

He looks back again and what he sees makes the blood freeze in his veins. Half the line is nowhere to be seen through the cloud of black smoke and the people he can see are lying down with their faces contorted in pain.

_Where is he? Where the hell is he?_

Panic takes over.

He jerks his chin to signal the companions right behind to preceed him, turns back and follows the line of wounded, his eyes frantically skidding through each face.

_Where are you? Don’t do this to me, Suga, don’t-_

A flash of silver catches his eyes and he completely forgets himself. He gets on his feet and runs. _Suga, Suga, Suga…_

It is him.

Daichi kneels by his side. Suga is paler than snow and when Daichi follows Suga’s eyes, fixed down and wide in horror, he understands why. His leg is gone. Under the knee there is nothing but blood. Fuck.

Daichi rips the sleeve of his jacket off and starts to dab the wound. He has to stop the bleeding, he has to-

Suga is trying to tell him something. Pulls at his arm to get him to listen but Daichi can’t hear a bloody thing. He keeps pressing on Suga’s leg and the blood seeps through the cloth, slides down his fingers. It’s sticky and warm. Daichi feels sick.

Suga grabs his arm and tries to pull him down with him. Daichi looks at his face instead for a second and Suga is mouthing words at him. He doesn’t have time for this, he needs to stop the bleeding.

Down, Suga seems to be saying. Down where?

Before he can think about it Daichi feels a sting up his neck and the side of his face, then everything goes black.

-

He wakes up in a hospital. It’s a real hospital, not a tent arranged as one. It takes four people to push him back down the bed when he tries to get up and look for Suga.

His mom visits him and so does Satsuki and they don’t leave his side but to sleep. He has a head wound and several burns on his left side. It’s painful but he knows how lucky he got. If only someone would tell him where the hell Suga is. When he asks all he receives are blank stares.

Days go by but they could be months.

Daichi swallows nervously and feels the skin of his neck pull. Suga can’t be dead, it’s his only thought, he can’t be. Maybe he was taken to another hospital, maybe he is already home. Maybe-

“Daichi…”

That voice.

Daichi opens his eyes and his vision turns hazy with tears. He’s really here. He looks thin, too thin, and pale and drawn, a nurse is pushing him on a wheelchair, but it’s him. Suga.

Suga takes Daichi’s hand in his and smiles through the pain he so obviously feels and for the first time in what feel so long Daichi feels warm, to the core.

Daichi clears his throat and speaks in cautious tones  “I thought you’d gone without me.”

Suga’s eyes  fill with tears too. “Never.”

 

A year later Daichi marries Satsuki. It feels appropriate doing it, appropriate but not right. He asks Suga to be his best man and that too doesn’t feel right as soon as the words leave his mouth. Suga tears up as Daichi pronounces his vows and when Daichi asks him about it, ceremony over, Suga just smiles and says “I’m just really happy for you.”

He sounds sincere but Daichi doesn’t believe him.

 

Where i fall is where i land

 

“ _Daichi_ …”

Suga whispers his name and his voice is honey dripping warm on Daichi’s skin. Daichi leans down and tastes it in Suga’s mouth. Nails dig into the flesh of his shoulders, they sting and Daichi shivers. “Faster.” It’s an order. Daichi is more than happy to obey.

He braces himself on the bed, palms splayed on the mattress, near Suga’s head and his arms shake a little for the strain. Suga opens up for him, a flower in spring, and wraps his legs around Daichi’s waist. His hands fall to Daichi’s arms and he strokes the muscles tenderly, his soft palms and calloused fingertips following the lines of biceps and drawing patterns only he sees. The trembling stops.

Daichi thrusts into him, harder, and Suga hums low in his throat. Daichi can tell he’s pleased. He leans on his elbow instead for more stability and his free arm circles Suga’s waist, pulls him closer.

They are pressed flush against each other and Daichi can feel every breath Suga draws as if it were his own. Daichi moves again and Suga meets him halfway, their bodies glide on each other, covered by a thin layer of sweat.

They moan in each other’s mouth, Suga’s lip grazes Daichi, the whisper of a touch, and Daichi feels breathless with it. Suga is warm around him and beneath him, if Daichi keeps so close he knows it will consume him.

His mouth finds Suga’s neck and he sucks marks on his pulse point, licks the sweat off his skin and when Suga moans again, low and shaky, Daichi feels it on his lips. He keeps moving inside Suga, he never wants to stop. The whole damn world could start crumbling down his feet and Daichi wouldn’t do a thing about it. As long as he can stay like this, in Suga’s arms, inside of him, drowning in him, he doesn’t care about the rest. Let the world fall apart.

Suga digs his foot into the small of Daichi’s back, pushes him deeper, closer. Daichi groans in the crook of Suga’s neck and picks up speed again. The headboard keeps slamming against the wall and the springs of the bed squeak under their movements. Daichi wants to laugh at how obvious it’ll be for their neighbors to understand what they are doing.

Suga moves his hips and Daichi fists the bedsheets, groans so loud it bounces on the walls. Suga does it again and his breath hitches in that telltale way Daichi has learned to recognize. He sticks to this angle and Suga’s caresses turn to needy, vicious squeezes. Daichi feels him clench around his dick and has to close his eyes for a moment to keep himself together.

Sparks of blinding white light go off behind his eyelids.

“Daichi. _Daichi_.”

God, if only Suga knew how good he sounds like this.

It only takes a couple more thrusts and Suga is coming. Daichi looks again not to miss it.

Suga is always quiet then, noisy and bossy before, but this moment he lives it in silence. Daichi looks at him and his heart stops its mad run for a second. Suga throws his head back, his pale neck exposed like the bruises Daichi’s insistent mouth left, and his eyes fall shut, long eyelashes fluttering on flushed pink cheeks. He looks unreal as his lips curl around Daichi’s name one last time and all the air in Daichi’s lungs gets sucked out of him.

In the years he’s known him Daichi has gotten used to Suga’s weird sense of humor, his moods and his insecurities, even to his random punches but he doesn’t think the day will ever come that he is not left breathless by how good Suga looks under him, naked and panting, lost in pleasure.

When Suga opens his eyes there’s still a storm in them. He puts his arms around Daichi, one hand pressing on his lower back, and pushes him deeper once more, hips undulating in a soft but steady motion.

“Don’t forget about your orgasm just to look at me, love.”

He sounds about to laugh and Daichi’s heart stutters in his chest. Suga clenches around him and Daichi is gone. Holding it off for so long means that when it comes his orgasm hits Daichi like a wave, reduces him to a complete mess. His hips snap wildly and he is trembling from head to toes, Suga’s touch, his hands so gentle on him, the only thing anchoring him.

He calls Suga’s name, whispers it over and over, and falls into his arms. Suga welcomes his weight, cards his fingers through Daichi’s hair and pushes it away from his forehead.

They listen to each other breathe for a while, Daichi doesn’t even think about the possibility of moving again any time soon. They are both sweaty and covered in come but Daichi can’t find it in himself to care. Surrounded by Suga’s warmth, the way his skin smells – sweat and flowers, lavender maybe, - Daichi almost considers taking a well-deserved nap but just as his eyes are falling closed Suga starts laughing.

It’s not his usual light chuckle, the one that sounds like raindrops on a windowpane, but his honest laughter, unrestrained and loud and a little throaty, the one that makes his whole body shake. It’s the one Daichi loves most. It dies down as abruptly as it started and Suga sighs, a grin still playing on his lips.

Daichi clears his throat and says “You know, it’s not exactly flattering you laughing like that while i’m still naked and we just did…stuff.”

Suga’s smile turns wicked. “I promise you were good, captain. Better than good.”

He trails a finger down Daichi’s chest and Daichi swallows heavily, curses himself when he feels a spark of arousal run through him, so soon and for so little. “And there’s nothing laughable about you naked, either. I chose well. But ‘doing stuff’ Daichi, really? How old are you, 13?”

Daichi bristles at that. “It’s not nice…”

“What? Calling it for what it is? Sex, or fucking?”

Suga is only teasing him, Daichi knows but he can’t help a frown. “Yes, ok? I don’t like calling what we do that, it’s…it’s more than that.”

“So what would you call it? Making _lo-ove_?” Suga drags the vowels, sing-songs it like a joke but when Daichi freezes he tenses too. “ _Oh._ ”

The clock is ticking. Daichi wants to throw a shoe at it but his nerves are making it impossible for his body to listen to him.

“Would you really- I mean you would say that…”

Suga sounds so young and when Daichi gathers the courage to look at him again he falls quiet and averts his eyes. Daichi waits for him to speak again but he doesn’t. His eyes are lowered, shadowed by thick, lovely eyelashes, and fixed on the ground. Something is upsetting him and Daichi knows when Suga closes up like this it’s better to simply leave him be. He can’t do it now. Not this time.

He takes a lock of Suga’s hair between his fingers and twirls it, pulls gently at it to get Suga to look at him. Suga doesn’t yet but he turns his face a little so he is at least facing him. It’s good enough for now and Daichi needs to ask him something. “Before, while we were….you know, you called me-“

_Love_

He can’t quite say it.

A flush rises high on Suga’s cheeks but this time he meets Daichi’s eyes, and even through the embarrassment Daichi can see a fierce confidence that surprises him. “I did,” his voice doesn’t waver, “do you want me to say it?”

Daichi does, he needs to hear it. His mouth feels like he’s been chewing on ashes, so he just nods. Suga smiles, gentle and a little shy.

“I love you.”

A weight Daichi didn’t even know was there lifts from his chest. His skin is on fire and his head is spinning. He feels dizzy, Suga’s words echo in his ears and imprint themselves on every inch of his body. Suga loves him and Daichi feels ten thousand different things at once. He can’t tell them apart from one another. It frustrates him, like that stupid experiment they make you do in elementary school. You cut a circle from a white piece of paper, color it in slices with all the colors of the rainbow but when it spins, fast, all you see is white.

Suga frustrates him and confuses him, messes up all of Daichi’s carefully arranged mental schemes and labels and boxes. Suga is looking at him now and his eyes are wide with worry and uncertainty. The wheel stops spinning and all Daichi can see is him.

Before he can speak Suga waves him off frantically, “You don’t have to say it back now if you’re not sure. You never have to say it back if you don’t feel it. I don’t want you to say it unless you feel it. And if you never feel it it’s fine. Well it’s not fine, it’s not fine at all for me but- but we can stay friends!”

Daichi tries to interrupt but Suga is on a roll. “I can be just your friend, Daichi i swear. I just want to be part of your life, it doesn’t matter in what role…” He stops to catch his breath and Daichi takes advantage of this moment, puts a finger on Suga’s lips to silence him.

He’s never been more sure of anything in his life.

“I love you too.”

Suga laughs in relief at his words and Daichi tastes this joy on his lips as they kiss. For the first time in his life, his heart feels light. Everything falls into place. The world spins madly on and they move along, in perfect sync.

 

Reprise

 

The day before the world crumbles down their feet Daichi takes Suga to the mountain.

They leave the path behind and walk through the green of the forest, fingers entwined, Suga’s laughter blending with the sound of the wind ruffling the leaves.

They jump rocks to cross the stream, ignoring the wooden bridge two feet away, and spray each other with water till their clothes are soaking wet. Daichi’s cheeks hurt from smiling too much.

He blindfolds Suga and puts an arm around his waist to steady and guide him. His hands are shacking, with nerves, with anticipation, and when Suga notices he falls quiet, stops his protests and questions and simply follows.

They reach a quiet clearing surrounded by fertile soil. The sun peeks through the trees and caresses Suga’s face.

“You can look now.”

Suga is quick to take the cloth off and when he sees the house he lets it fall down on the grass in surprise. He meets Daichi’s eyes and the enormity of what Daichi has done, of what he is asking, seems to hit him all at once.

“I thought you said you were always tired because of your work in the fields.”

“I lied.”

Daichi looks down at his feet and scratches his neck. It took him a while to build the foundation of the house and still it doesn’t even have a roof, it doesn’t have much of anything. Maybe he should have waited, maybe he shouldn’t even have started.

He tries to move away, suddenly feeling silly and ashamed, but Suga steps closer to him and takes Daichi’s hands in his. He brings them to his mouth and kisses his palms, his scraped knuckles, the calluses on his fingers. He kisses away all Daichi’s lingering doubts.

“You did all this…”

_For you. For us._

They step into the house and Daichi explains his plans for each room. Suga never stops smiling. They lie on their bedroom floor and kiss until the moon is high in the sky and the stars have all appeared.

The day before the world ends is the happiest of their lives.

Fingers entwined, their joy paints the world gold.

And in those moments Daichi realizes that heaven is to be found on earth. Heaven is the way Suga smiles, heaven are his arms holding Daichi close, holding him tight. Heaven is their little house without a roof, promise of a life together just about to start.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Every section is named after a song lyric. In order:  
> Ghost lights - Woodkid  
> Million years ago - Adele  
> And so it goes - Billy Joel  
> Dear true love - Sleeping at Last  
> When we were young - Adele  
> I know you care - Ellie Goulding  
> Off i go - Greg Laswell
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://thewindraiser.tumblr.com/)  
> [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/JKNo_emi)


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